A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
From Facebook just now…
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?