A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
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first you must answer his riddles
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.