A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Thinking about Jeff
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
