A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Mornin
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
🙀🙀🙀😹
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
