A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
