A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
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Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.