Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

😬

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing