A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
You Might Also Like
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Spoiler Alert: I was late
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it