Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

is nasa ok

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic