A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
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Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete