A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Good morning, Twitter x