A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
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I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.