A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
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[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”