A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.