Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?