@caseytduncan

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

@lilgapeach32

I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity if she’d been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.

@GrandadJFreeman

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@IncrediblyRich

If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.

@MarfSalvador

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

@dave_cactus

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

@FunnyBison

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

@bobvulfov

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

@peterjames48

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.