A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*