‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
ME AT 15: [listening to blink] work sucks, i know
ME AT 25: i didn’t know
Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
It’s not working. I’ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations