@caseytduncan

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

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@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.

@Jake_Vig

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

@awesomeseank

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.

@murrman5

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

@MrMildSauce

It’s not working. I’ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.

@3sunzzz

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

@Raoul_Duke_71

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

@SirEviscerate

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations