A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.


I could understand Eve’s choice to doom all of humanity if she’d been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.


*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.


If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.


me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!


WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.


I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.


[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis


“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.