A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
no!! no!!!!!!
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”