A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.