Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

OMG 🤣🤣

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

Plant care tips

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid