A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
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4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
yea so i messed up lol
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Only a mother’s love …
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
DOOO EEEET
