A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
You Might Also Like
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Skip intro
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
