A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.