A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
lmao
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?