A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home