a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs