Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

What?!?

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

🐟✨ #re4

My love language is hissing.

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.