Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload