a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.