Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*