Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6