Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
new shirt idea
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily