Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

every man in east london

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

Running from your problems is cardio .

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly