A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
boys are so easy to impress
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ