Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves