A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Do not levitate over flowers
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.