*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism