*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Weirdos gonna weird.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher