*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
File under excellent bookstore names.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?