*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
The Compass
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?