A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I’m sorry…what?
