A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.