A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
