@RdrJay47

A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”

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@Megatronic13

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

@pevbim

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

@NewDadNotes

[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

@WilliamAder

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

@zacharyflynn

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

@mela_shea

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

@suecorvette

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

@alymoemaly

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.