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My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I only treason on days ending in y
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
True statement👍😏😁
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.