Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

happy valentine’s day to me

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.