A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
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Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics