A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
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[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
But that’s none of my business
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
this is 10/10 content no notes
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Dear Lord..
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.