a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes