a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
kevin is now a local weatherman
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Don’t talk down to me
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?