a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
You Might Also Like
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
This made me smile…
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Human are so complicated
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified