Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.