A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.