A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Its a hippotatomus
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.