A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
They got a point!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)