Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My current situation

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

one week till the election

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.