A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
it be like that
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed