Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

the three branches of government

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.