A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
You Might Also Like
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
The glory of fall.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
