A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
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Roadkill is just a goth zoo
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me