A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies