A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.