A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
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Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?