A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
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11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
