Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name