A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.