Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made