A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.