A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
what do you want
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it