Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

wtf

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.