Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*