A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship