A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.


Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.


Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.


Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message


A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.


[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose


My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.


I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards


If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.