@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

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@MooseAllain

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

@longwall26

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

@RandomAntics

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

@UncleDuke1969

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

@AintNoFamily

I can’t wait to stick my descriptive adjective all up in your noun until you verb all over my face.

@GingerHotDish

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

@MarfSalvador

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

@thejakeshenry

I was pretty excited about this box of elbows before I saw that it was only macaroni.

@daemonic3

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

@elunatyk

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.