A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
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We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”