A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
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My love language is hissing.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
opening twitter today
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart