A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
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My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
cause of death:
autopsy.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.