Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

I just ran a .003048K

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Birds & Planes.

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.