A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
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My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
me refusing to leave twitter
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*