A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
OH. COME. ON.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
