Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Great game to play with friends

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

It’s a gift

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.