A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
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Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.