A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Teach your children to beatbox
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat