A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant