A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.