A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Anarchy
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Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.