Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?