A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
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The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
no!! no!!!!!!
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point